6:04 a.m. - 2003-02-01
I am so sorry that I hurt you....if only I knew a way to make it up to you.
Ok, ya know what? FUCKKKKKKKKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!
Why can't I tell people what I really think? Why am I so afraid of having my thoughts/feelings/opinions heard.
Why am I so SCARED to express myself outside of this PATHETIC diary in which I do a horrible job at expressing myself in the first place? Why can't I let people know that I have something to say. That I want to perform for them. Why can't I just DO something! Just get over my petty fears and make a complete fool of myself for the enjoyment of others......I sure know that I would love to. But I can't even say hi to a girl that is in my fucking Human Growth class. I can't look her in the eyes and say "HELLO".....the simplest damn thing you could ever say to someone. And why? Because I think she would laugh at me and call me a loser. I honestly believe that. I think that people look at me and laugh to themselves.....that people just think of me as this idiot that they have the displeasure to walk the streets with. I live in fear that every time I talk..someone is going to like me even less than they did before. All I want to do is be myself without those fears. In my mind...I am good enough...I am pretty damn cool even...but at the same time, I don't think I am good enough for a single person on this planet. Now how does that fucking work? I really wish I had someone, ANYONE I could fully express myself to without feeling inferior to them. There are maybe two people alive that I can think of that I could do that with......one of them I think knows it, and the other....well. Yeah. In my mind I feel that if I could just figure out a truly rational way to say what it is that is on my mind....that people would understand me just a little and realize that i'm not a complete idiot. I have such a hard time saying things to people because i'm so scared to talk.....it just. Yeah. I once again am at that point where I wish I would never type anything because I can't express what is on my mind. FUCK! I just really wish I could tell you guys....just stuff. If only you could see the side of me that came out the other night. Yeah.
And y'know. I realize I have a lot of friends. A lot of awesome friends. But once again...I am not particularly close to any of them. This isnt really anyones fault...it's just how things seem to work out. FUCK. I hate typing.
