5:45 a.m. - 2001-11-04
this crap is long
To some end I believe that I am insane. And I dont mean this in the every day "woh i'm nuts" kind of way.....I mean it literally. I battle myself constantly about everything, and maybe this is normal....but I dont feel like it should be. I just had a really good talk (I feel) with someone that I really screwed up with in the past but somehow we still end up talking about things....it's nice. But anyway, I basically spilled a lot of stuff that has been inside me lately and it felt great, because I dont even say everything I told her to myself sometimes. It's nice to be able to review my many flaws with someone who doesnt hold them against you. I wish that for 5 minutes I could be completely whole and collected so I could see what was wrong and atleast attempt to fix things..........if my thoughts seem scrambled it is because they are....it is 5:49 a.m. right now and I just need to get a lot out, so bear with me. As for girls...my last post makes me seem desperate, but i'm not. I dont actively persue relationships, I dont try and get girls to notice me, I dont really care usually. Ok...so that was a lie, I DO care a lot, just not in an active kind of way. I want to meet someone that finds me, my little quirks, my style, and whatever it is about me appealing enough to talk to me....I have neither the self confidence or will power to get myself to walk up to the many interesting girls I see. But that's ok....someday I will meet a girl that I can hold hands with all day. Friends..I need to break some barriers. I need to let them know how I feel sometimes....I dont ever tell anyone anything......if something annoys me, I dont say anything. If something pisses me off, I dont say anything. Even when confronted I will rarely say anything. One of my best friends, Aaron, can talk to me about nearly anything he says....but when I try to talk to him, its about 12%. Kind of sad really. And I dont know how to get beyond this. I can talk to people I dont know that well and vise versa so much easier.....even knowing that they probably dont care that much, and somehow that seems ok to me. Family...my family is screwed up. I dont ever talk to anyone about my family. Ever. Noone knows about my past, I have never told anyone about how poor we were, about all the troubles we had, all the shit my mom went through in Arizona, all the shit ive gone through my whole life. I dont talk to my family about this, and they dont really talk to me about anything. A lot of people dont know this, maybe only 5 or 6, but I have never met my dad. I think I have lied, or maybe just buried the truth behind that a bit, a lot. He sent me a graduation card with 100 bucks. He has sent me a few birthday cards. He has contacted my mom and said he wanted to meet me....but I am still not ready for that. 18 years and i'm not ready. I dont know how I can talk to people about that kind of shit. It's hard. Socially my life is kinda screwy. People look at me and see a dorky looking emo kid. Atleast thats what ive been told. A lot of people think that I am a punk. A lot of people think that I am a poser. Few people think that I am Chad and I dont want to be anything. I want to be me. And me is a kid who dresses like 10000 other kids and listens to music. Nothing more. I dont claim to be shit, yet I am labeled somehow by people who label themselves because they are shallow. To those people I give a big "Fuck You" Music....it really means a lot to me. It's one of the few thigns that make me sane....wheither its emo to help me feel better about the shit that I think about, depressing me further or not, its awesome. Punk....to help me get my mind off of things, to get my pumped and happy even...Ska...to get me moving...Reggae to make me feel like there is something else to life other than the stupid shit I own. That there is more to my mind than I will ever know. This is going to be my last line for the night, and maybe a while......no matter how bad things get, no matter how hard things are, no matter how much time is lost, staring at the stars can make anything seem like it is meaningless. There is just so much there.....I dont even know how to explain what I mean, but I hope you can understand.
-Chad
