00:34:48 - 2001-03-07
fuk u kris
Ok.....need to clear something up. When I said noone seems to notice that I'm depressed, it wasnt a complaint. It was just an observation.....I just wanted to note the fact that I obviously do not put out a vibe that I'm not happy or something. That's probably not a good thing, but not a bad thing either I dont think...........I just got back from the doctors office.....again. I still have bronchitis. Shit....
My Life Updates:
College/Job: I currently feel as if everything I want to do is going to go nowhere. Every field of college im interested in is related to computers somehow, not there is anything wrong with that, but the fact is....in a few years my training will be obsolete and computers are going to be different. So im trying to figure out what I want to do. I just dont know. Blockbuster hasnt called yet......
Depression: I feel exactly the same (lost.hurt.angry.sad). I didnt go to school yesterday because I dont think I could have handled it. Today I didnt go because my grandmother was in the hospital all night and most of today, that just makes everything so much better. Yeah. And so I have now missed 7/12 days out of this 4 1/2 weeks. I need to do something fast or im going to fail all my classes due to lack of attendance. Something is killing me inside. I wish I could figure it out.
I think im going to talk to my mom about how I feel and stuff (mentally) and maybe see a shrink type person. I think it might help me. I just need someone I can tell crap to on a regular basis without feeling intrusive.
Friends:
Esther. Where are you.....I miss talking to her so much, but there just isnt anything for me to say. She is not as different as I once thought. She became exactly what everyone else is. Maybe not at heart, but thats how she acts right now. I miss you...
DJ: You are so awesome man. Sometimes I think I seem to blow you off and I just want to say its totally not intentional and im sorry. Im way glad I met you, your one of the most.....interesting....and most awesome people ive ever been friends with. Your one of my best friends.....
Katy.: You are one smart, sexy, and just awesome person. Thanks for being my friend.
Winter: What can I say about winter....hehe. Your a cool cat :) Thanks for talking to me and stuff, your awesome! Not hating me is cool huh?
Brandy: You will never see this but oh well. Your an incredible person and I wish we could be closer because yeah. That just doesnt seem to be happening.......
Megan: Your a great chica. Dont let guys use you. Its no good. Your too good to have that happen. Thanks for caring :)
Aaron: Another person who will never see this...Your my best friend and your probably further from me than half the people I just met last weekend....
Girls:
Kenzy called me today and we talked alot and it turns out she thinks I used her for "sexual relation" type stuff. And I didnt. She said "im not mad that you used me" and I was like WHAT THE FUCK???? Because I in NO way used her. Sure I felt weird and didnt talk to her much for like a week after we did stuff but after that it was totally normal again. And its not so much that she thought I may have used her....its that she SAID I used her. There is obviously something I'm missing, because I would never use a girl, especially to relieve my hormones. And how could I have used her when I had feelings for her and wanted to ask her out??? The only reason I didnt is because she lives an hour away and we would only see eachother a few times a month and we could rarely talk to eachother on the phone. It would suck ass.
Thats all.......
P.S. FUCK YOU CHRIS
